SAYING GOODBYE

And yet again, over and over, the questions flashed to me repeatedly like a tormenting song saying the same things, yet no answers were revealed. Is a feeling too strong, too hard to let go even when you’ve realized that there was no point in keeping it? I was in love yet disgusted by how I felt. How can a beautiful feeling be so wrong all at the same time?

Ah, yes the answers were there, I was not just ready to face them, not yet.

Then after all the hurts and the pains and the struggling…. no matter how hard you try to pretend and fantasize that everything will soon be over! And that you’ll end up happy together? The truth always creeps up, then, you realize, it’s just YOU!!! All alone feeling that special something and yet all he sees is a friend in you. We’re just friends!!!! I have to learn to accept that and start saying goodbye to the feelings I have struggled so hard to keep!

So it all starts at a point when you have started to feel so excruciatingly uncomfortable with how things are said and done repeatedly. I knew, my goodbye had to happen without him realizing it, really. After all it was just me from the very start!!! Huh !!!! It was for the best! I had to do it.

At an instant, I was shedding away what I have strongly felt to the darkest corners of my heart without me realizing it happening. It just happened. The hurting may just have taken over the feelings and now all you feel is frustration and numbness. Maybe because I have tried too hard that I just had to give up!!!!

Although I am pleased to have recovered my heart so soon and that I could control my emotions when I talk to him. Inside me, I am still crying and still struggling in accepting the truth. Maybe that is my disguise to show others I am okay and I’ll be fine. I know I will, I’ve always had. I know in time all hearts heal, that is my wish for now. I am just glad that my “all heart out episodes” we’re done and over with and am starting to stand up again, stronger and wiser.

Am I sorry? No! Should I be? No! All I can say is, I am glad I experienced all these no matter how painful and hurtful it has become. This has made me a better person and I will laugh out load about it after all. In God’s time!

PS: This is a story I have always wanted to tell everytime my heart gets broken..... I suppose I and the one meant for me has not met yet!!!!! I hope we meet soon enough.

Simply Complicated Me

It's been 30 minutes... I have been staring at the wall trying to figure out how to start it.

I am not a good writter and the last thing in my list to do is create a blog for myself...Huh?

I supposed, along with all my frustrations with work and carreer... my love life seems to be catching up. I need an outlet to try to unload my excess baggage..... alas my blog that will depict only me... my frustrations.... my experiences.... my heartaches and pain....my expectations...... my happy moments.... my achievements..... my rewards......... my life.... ako lang... wala ng iba!

Ang hirap simulan...... ano ba sasabihin ko?

Maraming bagay ngayon ang dumarating sa isip ko na di ko kayang ayusin... siguro dahil as usual... sentimental nananaman ako! Speaking my heart out! Kailangan ko b magbago? o kaialangan ko tangapin ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko? Di ko maintindihan...... basta ang alam ko, kahit anong pilit kong maging masaya.... sa puso ko.... malungkot ako at gustong gusto ko nang magmahal. Madali sana kung matagpuan ko ang taong tama para sa akin???? Pakiwari ko... napakailap nya! Hay !!!! Asan ka na ba?

Masaya naman dapat ako dahil maganda trabaho ko, Inis lang sa mga taong ayaw magbayad ng utang. At sa mga mayayamang mayabang at nagkukunwaring walang pera para umiwas sa obligasyon. Salot kayo sa buhay ko!!!!

Okay naman parents ko, pareho pang malakas kahit may occassional na nararandaman... dala lang cguro ng old age. Mga kapatid ko... lahat naman kame tapos sa maayos na collegio.... may doctor pa. Marami din akong kaibigan na kayang sandalan, kausapin at kulitin. Pero...... cguro ang kalungkutan ko... ako lang ang pwedeng umayos. I have to say..... my own battle... my own time...... my own victory.

Lately, I have indulged myself to physical activities.... active na ulit sa gym.... gosh, was out of tract for 2 years??? Isama mo na badminton... kahit ayaw sa akin! hehehe. Then, slowly going out with old friends... keeping in touch... na miss ko sila!!! I have been doing things I dont normally do for myself! Sama na natin ang Chinese at Itallian cooking class na di matuloytuloy..... eenrol na ulit!

Dami ko gustong gawin...... :-)

Makes me think... were the hell have I been all these past few months? i cant seem to answer back or ayoko sagutin? It seems that time has flown out from my itenerary, handpicked, without any remembrance of what had happened! Or is it because I am struggling right now to forget what had happen to me for that long period of time? Now... i could not rememeber ... even the happy ones.... Ol I feel now is empty! Lutang!!!!! There is a bitter taste in my mouth that I could seem to remove and a thirst that i couldnt seem to quench no matter how much I drink! i dont even want to really dare myself and ask! Baka lahat bumalik.... ayoko na!!!!

Kaya... ayan tuloy... damay kayong lahat na nagbabasa!!!! Ako lang muna pag-uusapan ngayon, ako........ si Lyn..... opo.....Lyn lang!